Barely Functioning

As a surrogate, my only hope was to make an amazing man become a father. We were on the right track with our 3rd transfer on February 5th. We had great BETA numbers; there was even a thought that maybe two little blasts took.

Monday, March 8th, all of my hopes were smashed. All of my IF's hopes were smashed.

An u/s showed: gestational sac, yolk-sac, small fetal pole, but no heartbeat.
The fetal pole was measuring about a week behind and by now...there definitely should've been a heartbeat, some little flutter.

I don't think anyone can know how they'll feel as a surrogate when this type of anguish is forced upon you. Actually for more then a day, I refused to believe it. I followed the doctor's orders, stopped all meds, but didn't really "accept" what was happening until many emails to two of the best nurses in Connecticut and to one very special nurse, here in Iowa, who has become one of my greatest friends.

After "discussing" options...I chose not to have a D&C and just let my body do what it needs to, so we can move on. After making that heart wrenching decision, God let me know it was the right choice, because God too felt the same way.

By midnight on March 9th, my body was already making changes. Changes that were painful and continue to be painful. Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage knows what I am talking about...no details needed from me.

All I can do now is wait...wait again, this time it's not the TWW (two week window), it is an unknown wait filled with emotions and physical struggles.

My only wish is that I could give my IF a huge hug. I can't imagine how he's feeling; how he's trying to cope. I know he has a support system...but I feel this is a time where he needs more than that. What can I say or do when I am 7 time zones away?

Going to get through each day.

The Wal-Mart Wait

Yesterday, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went shopping with my middle child for the weekly groceries. Apparently when we got to check-out, half of the lanes were not working which meant a longer wait for us to get out of Wal-Mart. My daugther and I stood there waiting and waiting, and as the time went by I started to feel very dizzy and lightheaded...almost to the point of fainting.

After telling my daughter and texting my DH, I thought I might have to have him come and get me. The time in line seemed to move so slowly as I got hotter and dizzier. Finally it was our turn and all I could do was put the items up onto the conveyor belt. It was awful - I don't recall feeling that way with previous pregnancies, but if this is how my surro-pregnancy is going to be, it is going to be a long 1st trimester!

I started thinking about why I might be feeling so squeamish and realized I hadn't eaten much! My daughter ran to get me a pretzel and a drink from Subway and boy did that Cherry Coke hit the spot! I started to feel better almost instantly - and once we got home a bowl of cereal helped too.

Since I still wasn't feeling great, I laid on the couch for almost two hours and canceled our evening plans with my sister and nephews.

Lesson learned: Eat when you are pregnant!

Smells

Smells...yep these are my 1st symptoms of this pregnancy. As of Saturday, February 20th, I've become very keen to certain smells.

First, my daughter loves TUNA - well I no longer love the smell of it.

Second, burning rubber is NOT on the top of my list nor is cat litter smells (especially those in small spaces) - way too strong.

Lastly, today when I walked into work (now remember I work at a school) whatever the cooks were making this morning made me about hurl! I figured out that is was some kind of "mystery meat" used for assorted tacos.

I really am hoping that this goes away. I vaguely recall having a very difficult time smelling and seeing red meat with my previous pregnancies.

BETAs Complete

BETA #1 - 118
BETA #2 - 444
BETA #3 - 2100s

We're all thinking one little nugget! We'll know for sure March 5th - 1st ultrasound.

8dp5dt
Happy Valentine's Day
to my IF...
Here's hoping for a big BETA number on Monday!

My friggin' Arse!

Well...I've only given myself 4 shots now...yep only 4....
Day 1 - right - really sore and bruised (quarter size)
Day 2 - left - small lump but no bruise
Day 3 - right - blood everywhere, stained my work pants, and now I have a HUGE BRUISE (that I so happened to take a picture of - but it doesn't do it justice, so I am not uploading it)
Day 4 - left - larger lump and small bruise

Now I've heard other surrogates who give themselves the shot in the leg, but I don't think I can do that...I NEED TO WALK!!!

Sitting for any length of time over the past few days has become impossible. I am constantly shifting my weight, getting up and avoiding the sitting position :)

I am hoping that once I get back into the swing of it...there will be less pain, knots, and bruising.
Until then I'd like to see my DR give him these shots for 8 weeks in the ARSE!!!

Uterus and Blood Update

Today was the last trans-vaginal ultrasound before the transfer next week! Yoo Hoo!!! A new woman, named G, did all the measurements for me. I was quite disappointed Ms. C wasn't there, she's been doing all of the ultrasounds (except one and today) since last July! Hopefully, after we have a big fat positive (BFP) on February 15th, she'll be the one to let us see how many babies decided to take up space!

I had to call the clinic today to get my results. It was 3:00 and I still hadn't heard anything and since they are an hour ahead of me I thought I'd call S to check the status. FLUFFINESS is perfect! It's actually less than the last two times, measuring only a 12, but maybe that's a good sign? She said they want it at least at an 8 -so we're good on the inside. My blood work also came back perfect - yes, perfect, those were her words not mine.

Only a few more days then on the Lupron and I'll begin shooting up my arse with PIO Saturday night. Sunday it's on to the antibiotics and I think the suppositories too (eww gross!)...

Anyone out there reading this blog - send all the sticky vibes you've got on February 5th!

Stick babies stick!!!

Meds

Want to be on them...don't want to be on them.
The longer I am taking them the crazier I feel...
Know I need to take them for a successful journey...isn't there a different combination?

This morning I looked at my stomach as I was squeezing it before I pushed more Lupron and into it and thought, "Oh damn, next weekend starts the BIG needles. I am SO not ready!!"
(and I don't think my arse is either)

Shots and Drugs

Last week I was finally able to reduce my 10 cc of Lupron down to 5 cc. I really don't think it helps with my emotional state of being, since after reducing I started taking estrace 2x a day! If I were really going through IVF for myself, I don't know if I could tolerate all the meds much longer along with the state of being crazy! I understand how badly women and men want to be parents, but for the woman -all I can say is wow - it is such a lengthy process and not everyday is full of sunshine.

The shots in the stomach don't really hurt, just the stab itself. Although this time around, I have a lot more bruising but only on one side. Maybe the left side of my body is more sensitive?
The left side of my body is going through a lot - bruising, my eye constantly twitches off and on (which drives me nuts when I drive), my left side tends to tingle and fall asleep often (the right side chimes in once in awhile). I know that most of these things are temporary, but I'm sure there will be some type of long-term effects too.

On that note, I keep praying that the 3rd transfer is going to be it. I have reduced my caffeine intake and am really pushing the water. I'm down to one cup of coffee a day :) If you asked me to give that up too, I'd probably rip out your eyes and of course blame all the meds I'm on.

My family of course just endures everything - sometimes there's a response to one of my mood swings or "biting" of the head, but not often. I think they've all learned to accept the new me.

My IF is really looking forward to becoming a father. His birthday is next weekend and he shares it with his only niece. He recently moved to a new place and has been remodeling almost every room. He hopes this will all be done by summertime. He's very anxious to become a father...2010...it's the year!

Another eight days and I'll have the official fluffiness check. They'll do all the measuring of my uterus and check the ovaries again. The last two times everything on my end has been perfect - progesterone levels, thickness, everything...let's hope this time it's just a little better so one of those embies decides to stick around.

Speaking of embies, my IF emailed me today and said that Dr. D decided we should only do 3 embies again. I was hoping for 4 this time - since 3 didn't take the first two times and they were supposedly eggs from proven donors. I think in total they've tried to make embies with 5 different donors - yikes! Don't you think there's got to be at least one that wants to take up space?

Until the fluffy check...

Third Transfer

I know it's been awhile since I've posted, but there really hasn't been anything to announce. With the second failed transfer, I had to get "over" all my guilty feelings of "What did I do wrong?" and asking the question, "Now what?"

Well my IF and doctor tried to create two new batches of embroys. The first one failed, but the second one created some "amazing" embryos. Now my IF has 3 frozen from the 2nd egg donor and I believe 5-6 from the new egg donor in November. With all that news, I started my next round of BCP and will begin taking Lupron on January 2, 2010. This is great news for me and my family because we won't have to endure the holidays with me being "crazy"!

Our third transfer is set for February 5, 2010 as long as my body prepares by getting fluffy.

Failed Transfer

Another failed transfer. I don't have much to say - except "disappointed".

October 9th and then some

It's been a week now since we transferred three amazing blasts! These three were so much more developed then the first time around. Everything went fairly smooth - the appointment was quick and easy. Dr. D said my uterus looked great! Let's hope at least one decides to stick around.

After the transfer, I spent almost 36 hours in bed or on the couch in my hotel room. It was very quiet, except for the Spanish speaking housekeepers! They were so loud and laughing! It kinda kept me entertained when they were in my end of the hotel.

I was able to finally finish a book I started back in August before the first transfer. The Time Traveler's Wife -was very good :)

Now, like most of you know, it's just a waiting game. Most of the surrogates call this the 2ww. Technically I only have to wait 10 days! Yay for me! Monday, October 19th, will be the first BETA. I am hoping and praying that I have a BETA number this time. Last time there was nothing, zilch, nada - so if we can get at least a 25 then they'll have me go back in 2-3 days for another BETA.

I still have hope :)

Keep Going

Another week has gone by and I can't believe how the days just seem to get shorter. I know it's September and sun sets so much earlier than even three weeks ago, but honestly it feels like I just finished one transfer journey and now today we're already doing a second one with the transfer in twenty days.

I'm still continuing my Lupron medicine, it has been reduced to 5 cc.s. Then I've added the estrace and aspirin; this regime will continue until October 3rd when I get to start the "fun" shots -PIO!

My IF had spoken a few weeks ago with the doctor about transferring more then 3 blasts and he really wants to do 4 - be more aggressive this time to ensure a baby. Unfortunately, because he didn't speak with me about this I really have felt like my IF has kept something from me. I did call the doctor and we discussed the risks and benefits of implanting 3 as opposed to 4. Right now I am hoping we can just stick to 3 -there is no way I would want to even attempt to carry 4 babies!

I've been under some stress about the second journey. I've tried to relax-by reading some good books, playing outside with my daughter, cleaning, and just breathing. Sometimes in life I've realized that I forget to even take a breadth.

New Cycle

Just to keep everyone updated, not that I have a lot of followers, but for the future too when I look back and say, "Wow...here's this beautiful baby." I'd like a reminder of what it took to get that baby here.

I started my second cycle of medications last Saturday, the 5th of September. Each morning I give myself the injection of Lupron, take my prenatal vitamins and bcp. Today is day 5 and my bcp. Aunt Flo should be visiting in the next few days which may make my first uterine lining check on Tuesday the 15th interesting. Hopefully by then it will almost be over with -yes, gross I know but when you have a vaginal ultrasound during AF it is not pretty nor fun. After the u/s, I will hopefully be able to reduce my Lupron and I'll begin a few other pills. I'll update on that next week.

A few other things have been going on with my journey. My IF has taken control of many things - I think this is his personality, but at the same time it makes me ride the roller coaster of emotions. I am trying to be understanding, forgiving, etc. but at the same time all of my IFs decisions effect me. We finally came to agreement on which airport and hotel I will stay at in October. Also, I will be able to rent a car which is the best. I did not like relying on the hotel shuttle, limo service or a cab when I was out in CT for my medical screening. The doctor told my IF there is no medical reason for me not to be able to drive back to Stamford after the transfer -phew, that was a triumph.

During this transfer though I will have more restrictions. I definitely will be eating hotel food the hotel time! Another reason why I chose the hotel in Stamford-their food rocks! I will be taking the smallest bag I have so it doesn't way much, and it is on wheels. Once I return I'll have to be careful not to pick up Cadie or anything else that weighs more than 15 lbs.

Recently my IF and I spoke on Skype, which for those of you who don't use it, Skype is amazing and it is free! We spoke about how many embryos to transfer and such. My IF said that we'll do three again this time and then keep three frozen just in case it doesn't work.

Well that was the plan until today when the clinic called and said my IF had a consultation with the doctor and my IF wants to go ahead with four! WHAT??? Four embryos -so what happens if they ALL take? What will I go thru? There is no way I am going to agree to this because the negatives definitely outway the positives and my IF doesn't want more then two children (in the beginning my IF only wanted one).

Since the first transfer failed I understand the "why" but everyone involved needs to be taken into consideration, and as I said, this is something I cannot agree to have done.

I am feeling a bit of stress now again because of the above mentioned topic-but overall I am really beginning to relax, I feel like I don't have any "unknowns" going into this transfer which is a HUGE relief.

One of these days...I know we'll have success :) Fluffiness and sticky vibes for the next 6 weeks is all I will be thinking about.

10 dp BFN

Exciting news for the journey - looks like I will start cycling again on September 5th and have a transfer on October 9th, 2009! Yep, just two months after the first transfer. Very exciting! So this means no time off of school, which is good.

Cycling is the fun part -Chris said Thursday night that he feels like he finally has his "wife back". Hmm...the Lupron did make me pretty crazy!!! Thankfully that only lasts for four weeks!! I wonder if my students will notice a change?

My IF did choose a new donor. Apparently she's supposed to be a "super" donor and the clinic started to fertilize this past Thursday. So by Tuesday we'll know how many blasts/embies make it to the freezer and this will tell for sure the timeline for the next journey.

I am praying it takes this second time. I don't think my IF can handle another failed transfer. My IF is so worried already; it would be nice if everything worked out: the egg +the seed+my womb! Maybe I should have daily pep-talks with my uterus - lol!!!

Sadness

It really has started to sink in...the fact that the transfer didn't take the first time and I don't understand why. That's the typical feeling most get when they "want" to be pregnant. I wasn't sure how it would all affect me, since biologically the child we want to create is not mine. Honestly, it is a different feeling but still leaves me sad at the end of the day.

Of course through my agency I have a wonderful support system, where many surrogates post questions and answers to just about everything related to their journeys. It has been very helpful so far, but today...I felt sadness. It was probably brought on after reading about other surrogates who transferred around the same time as me, but they are getting a BFP and a BETA number. To keep my chin up I keep telling myself over and over again that it just wasn't time yet...but it is so hard when the failure is too fresh. Maybe I should stay off the computer this weekend...or week just so I can emotionally recuperate...sigh...

In need of a hug...

Negative

While at lunch today I got the call from CFA that I already "knew" was coming. My blood test this morning confirmed what I had been feeling all week -I am not pregnant. Although I am upset, sad that the journey isn't going onto the next step, I know that I will help my IF become a daddy in the next year. I believe everything happens for a reason, and my IF and I were brought together to create the family he's always wanted.

At this point, the next steps are up in the air. My IF will have a consultation with Dr. D and decide what to do next. Not having any frozen embies from the last retrieval will make it more difficult, I think, but I am not sure.

I will no longer be taking medications. In the next few days, I should see my AF revisit and then we'll all go from there.

Getting Closer to BETA day

7dp3dt
Mild cramping all day -used heating pad at night, my poor tummy

8dp3dt
Mild cramping and heartburn (Maybe it was the small piece of cake I ate?)

9dp3dt
POS this morning and got negative results :(
I hate POS when it isn't POSITIVE.

POSITIVE thoughts for Wednesday's blood draw!!!
Give us some high BETA numbers, please :)

9dp3dt
Continued heartburn and cramping (fell asleep with heating pad again!)

10dp3dt
Couldn't sleep, was up at 3:30 AM
POS - negative :(
Heartburn and am really hungry, wondering if I should eat so early?

Maybe I should just pee on the other two tests I have left?

11dp3dt
BETA test in the AM
Someone from CFA will "text" me the results

Xfingers!!!

The three "blasts"

5dp3dt

Well here I am not being able to concentrate on too much. That's the 2ww!!!
I really would love to POS but I know that it is way to early! In past pregnancies, I typically got a BFP on day 26 after AF, so that would still mean I need to wait until Sunday! As long as I do not go to Target, Wal-Mart, or Walgreens I'll be good to go!

The clinic had some b/d yesterday, so I am sticking to the same medicine regime until August 19th. That's the big day - the first BETA test :)

After reading some other messages on a surrogacy blog, I realized something - maybe those little embies do like my womb because late Sunday and most of Monday while I was in CT/NY, I had cramps...I hope this means they were nestling themselves in for a long nap.

Keep sending those "sticky" vibes my way! EDD: April 29, 2010