The Miscarriage - Part 2

It's been four months since I last wrote about my first surrogacy journey. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to write about the "worst" part. Some of you may want to know, some of you are probably glad, but the "worst" part of my journey wasn't what physically happened to me (although that sucked) but the fact that I wasn't able to grow this little embie past 6 weeks and deliver a healthy child for my IF...that is the worst part.

Every surrogates desire is to deliver a healthy child or two for their IF. That is the purpose for even becoming a surrogate. When we fail -whether that's due to poor embie quality, mother nature taking over, or whatever...it tears every surrogate apart. Then, since it's not our "own" child biologically it's hard to grasp all the emotions and move on.

I'd never been through a miscarriage so late in pregnancy like this one and I wish someone would've told me more about the physical aspects of it all. Please if you are reading this, without going into much detail, opt for a medical D&C. Do not try to wait it out and miscarry on your own - it was such a scary day, Tuesday, March 16th.

It took my body a long time to recover from the miscarriage/D&C. I continued to have pregnancy hormones in my body for 5 weeks after everything; that made knowing I'd failed even worse.

My IF and I haven't had much contact since everything fell apart. He's had a very difficult time with the loss also. It is so hard for me to know what to do, say, or if I should just go on with my life. I've tried asking him if he'd like to try one more time since he still has 3 embies left, but I've received no answer.

My surrogacy journey lasted 11 months with my IF. He is a wonderful man, so full of love, so full of hope...I do hope and pray that somehow, someway he'll be a father one day.

The Miscarriage - Part 1

I want to preface this with...I'm not sure what I am going to say, but I know I need to say it...

With the third transfer, my IF and I knew it would be special. We had great BETA numbers and everything looked so promising. Dr. D had always said my numbers were great and my lining was fluffy! I knew the blast that decided to stick around was sticking around at a "spa" so to speak. Our hearts were so full of happiness and joy and waiting for the ultrasound seemed to be longer then waiting for the first BETA.

March 8th came quickly and as my DH and I sat in the u/s room we excited to see one perfect little sac. It was so perfect -no crazy squiggles or anything. The tech zoomed around and looked at my ovaries, measured my uterus and finally went back to the baby. She did some measuring then turned the monitor to measure the heart beat. There was nothing - no movement at all. She had me hold my breadth to see if she could catch it - still nothing. During the entire time she said, "Well we'd like to see it measuring within at least 4 days." Of course, none of this was sinking in yet. My DH just sat there quietly - I don't think either one of us really knew what to say or to ask. The last thing the u/s tech said was, "I wish I had better news." What did she mean? I went into the RR to change. We left stoically.

On our way back to the car, I had to stop. I couldn't breathe, I was bawling so heavily and then my phone rang. I knew it was my IF. What would I say? I couldn't say anything. I was hunched over for a few minutes in total shock. I gathered myself together, drove the 25 minutes home and called CFA immediately. Nurse S had just received my news...she talked my through all of it the best she could and then she's the one who called my IF.

The inevitable was about to occur. No more meds, no more baby, no more hope...this was it...the last transfer. I briefly spoke with my IF and we both cried and cried on the phone together. Our hearts were both completely broken.

I knew I would miscarry within the week. I kept having feelings of doubt and denial. This was NOT really happening. Some kind of miracle was going to save this little one - something PLEASE.

As the week went by, I had minimal signs of a miscarriage. Late Tuesday, early Wednesday morning, I had some severe cramping. The next few days produced nothing. By Saturday I was so tired - mentally but still feeling so pregnant. I don't know if one convinces oneself they are pregnant or still pregnant, but I was experiencing breast tenderness, frequent urination, etc. I had so much hope still...it had been 5 days since we were given the news shouldn't something have started?

The next day I took one last pregnancy test after lunch. Of course it was a BFP - only because I hadn't started to miscarry yet. Once the evening approached it became clearer - it was over. My heart literally about gave up; I was still in such denial. Monday came and I stayed home from work expecting "the worse", but it was mild and I was exhausted. I decided I'd stay home one more day from work, knowing the worse part would probably be over by Tuesday night.

The worst part...will be in part 2.

It's so difficult for me to write this - B.M., bless her heart, encouraged me to share. I know other surrogates have gone through the same pain and loss, and I am hoping by writing, it will help someone else heal along with myself.

Surrogates are a special breed of women - we all give so much. All of you have not only given to your IFs, but also to me...and I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart.

Barely Functioning

As a surrogate, my only hope was to make an amazing man become a father. We were on the right track with our 3rd transfer on February 5th. We had great BETA numbers; there was even a thought that maybe two little blasts took.

Monday, March 8th, all of my hopes were smashed. All of my IF's hopes were smashed.

An u/s showed: gestational sac, yolk-sac, small fetal pole, but no heartbeat.
The fetal pole was measuring about a week behind and by now...there definitely should've been a heartbeat, some little flutter.

I don't think anyone can know how they'll feel as a surrogate when this type of anguish is forced upon you. Actually for more then a day, I refused to believe it. I followed the doctor's orders, stopped all meds, but didn't really "accept" what was happening until many emails to two of the best nurses in Connecticut and to one very special nurse, here in Iowa, who has become one of my greatest friends.

After "discussing" options...I chose not to have a D&C and just let my body do what it needs to, so we can move on. After making that heart wrenching decision, God let me know it was the right choice, because God too felt the same way.

By midnight on March 9th, my body was already making changes. Changes that were painful and continue to be painful. Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage knows what I am talking about...no details needed from me.

All I can do now is wait...wait again, this time it's not the TWW (two week window), it is an unknown wait filled with emotions and physical struggles.

My only wish is that I could give my IF a huge hug. I can't imagine how he's feeling; how he's trying to cope. I know he has a support system...but I feel this is a time where he needs more than that. What can I say or do when I am 7 time zones away?

Going to get through each day.

The Wal-Mart Wait

Yesterday, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went shopping with my middle child for the weekly groceries. Apparently when we got to check-out, half of the lanes were not working which meant a longer wait for us to get out of Wal-Mart. My daugther and I stood there waiting and waiting, and as the time went by I started to feel very dizzy and lightheaded...almost to the point of fainting.

After telling my daughter and texting my DH, I thought I might have to have him come and get me. The time in line seemed to move so slowly as I got hotter and dizzier. Finally it was our turn and all I could do was put the items up onto the conveyor belt. It was awful - I don't recall feeling that way with previous pregnancies, but if this is how my surro-pregnancy is going to be, it is going to be a long 1st trimester!

I started thinking about why I might be feeling so squeamish and realized I hadn't eaten much! My daughter ran to get me a pretzel and a drink from Subway and boy did that Cherry Coke hit the spot! I started to feel better almost instantly - and once we got home a bowl of cereal helped too.

Since I still wasn't feeling great, I laid on the couch for almost two hours and canceled our evening plans with my sister and nephews.

Lesson learned: Eat when you are pregnant!

Smells

Smells...yep these are my 1st symptoms of this pregnancy. As of Saturday, February 20th, I've become very keen to certain smells.

First, my daughter loves TUNA - well I no longer love the smell of it.

Second, burning rubber is NOT on the top of my list nor is cat litter smells (especially those in small spaces) - way too strong.

Lastly, today when I walked into work (now remember I work at a school) whatever the cooks were making this morning made me about hurl! I figured out that is was some kind of "mystery meat" used for assorted tacos.

I really am hoping that this goes away. I vaguely recall having a very difficult time smelling and seeing red meat with my previous pregnancies.

BETAs Complete

BETA #1 - 118
BETA #2 - 444
BETA #3 - 2100s

We're all thinking one little nugget! We'll know for sure March 5th - 1st ultrasound.

8dp5dt
Happy Valentine's Day
to my IF...
Here's hoping for a big BETA number on Monday!

My friggin' Arse!

Well...I've only given myself 4 shots now...yep only 4....
Day 1 - right - really sore and bruised (quarter size)
Day 2 - left - small lump but no bruise
Day 3 - right - blood everywhere, stained my work pants, and now I have a HUGE BRUISE (that I so happened to take a picture of - but it doesn't do it justice, so I am not uploading it)
Day 4 - left - larger lump and small bruise

Now I've heard other surrogates who give themselves the shot in the leg, but I don't think I can do that...I NEED TO WALK!!!

Sitting for any length of time over the past few days has become impossible. I am constantly shifting my weight, getting up and avoiding the sitting position :)

I am hoping that once I get back into the swing of it...there will be less pain, knots, and bruising.
Until then I'd like to see my DR give him these shots for 8 weeks in the ARSE!!!

Uterus and Blood Update

Today was the last trans-vaginal ultrasound before the transfer next week! Yoo Hoo!!! A new woman, named G, did all the measurements for me. I was quite disappointed Ms. C wasn't there, she's been doing all of the ultrasounds (except one and today) since last July! Hopefully, after we have a big fat positive (BFP) on February 15th, she'll be the one to let us see how many babies decided to take up space!

I had to call the clinic today to get my results. It was 3:00 and I still hadn't heard anything and since they are an hour ahead of me I thought I'd call S to check the status. FLUFFINESS is perfect! It's actually less than the last two times, measuring only a 12, but maybe that's a good sign? She said they want it at least at an 8 -so we're good on the inside. My blood work also came back perfect - yes, perfect, those were her words not mine.

Only a few more days then on the Lupron and I'll begin shooting up my arse with PIO Saturday night. Sunday it's on to the antibiotics and I think the suppositories too (eww gross!)...

Anyone out there reading this blog - send all the sticky vibes you've got on February 5th!

Stick babies stick!!!

Meds

Want to be on them...don't want to be on them.
The longer I am taking them the crazier I feel...
Know I need to take them for a successful journey...isn't there a different combination?

This morning I looked at my stomach as I was squeezing it before I pushed more Lupron and into it and thought, "Oh damn, next weekend starts the BIG needles. I am SO not ready!!"
(and I don't think my arse is either)

Shots and Drugs

Last week I was finally able to reduce my 10 cc of Lupron down to 5 cc. I really don't think it helps with my emotional state of being, since after reducing I started taking estrace 2x a day! If I were really going through IVF for myself, I don't know if I could tolerate all the meds much longer along with the state of being crazy! I understand how badly women and men want to be parents, but for the woman -all I can say is wow - it is such a lengthy process and not everyday is full of sunshine.

The shots in the stomach don't really hurt, just the stab itself. Although this time around, I have a lot more bruising but only on one side. Maybe the left side of my body is more sensitive?
The left side of my body is going through a lot - bruising, my eye constantly twitches off and on (which drives me nuts when I drive), my left side tends to tingle and fall asleep often (the right side chimes in once in awhile). I know that most of these things are temporary, but I'm sure there will be some type of long-term effects too.

On that note, I keep praying that the 3rd transfer is going to be it. I have reduced my caffeine intake and am really pushing the water. I'm down to one cup of coffee a day :) If you asked me to give that up too, I'd probably rip out your eyes and of course blame all the meds I'm on.

My family of course just endures everything - sometimes there's a response to one of my mood swings or "biting" of the head, but not often. I think they've all learned to accept the new me.

My IF is really looking forward to becoming a father. His birthday is next weekend and he shares it with his only niece. He recently moved to a new place and has been remodeling almost every room. He hopes this will all be done by summertime. He's very anxious to become a father...2010...it's the year!

Another eight days and I'll have the official fluffiness check. They'll do all the measuring of my uterus and check the ovaries again. The last two times everything on my end has been perfect - progesterone levels, thickness, everything...let's hope this time it's just a little better so one of those embies decides to stick around.

Speaking of embies, my IF emailed me today and said that Dr. D decided we should only do 3 embies again. I was hoping for 4 this time - since 3 didn't take the first two times and they were supposedly eggs from proven donors. I think in total they've tried to make embies with 5 different donors - yikes! Don't you think there's got to be at least one that wants to take up space?

Until the fluffy check...