The Miscarriage - Part 1

I want to preface this with...I'm not sure what I am going to say, but I know I need to say it...

With the third transfer, my IF and I knew it would be special. We had great BETA numbers and everything looked so promising. Dr. D had always said my numbers were great and my lining was fluffy! I knew the blast that decided to stick around was sticking around at a "spa" so to speak. Our hearts were so full of happiness and joy and waiting for the ultrasound seemed to be longer then waiting for the first BETA.

March 8th came quickly and as my DH and I sat in the u/s room we excited to see one perfect little sac. It was so perfect -no crazy squiggles or anything. The tech zoomed around and looked at my ovaries, measured my uterus and finally went back to the baby. She did some measuring then turned the monitor to measure the heart beat. There was nothing - no movement at all. She had me hold my breadth to see if she could catch it - still nothing. During the entire time she said, "Well we'd like to see it measuring within at least 4 days." Of course, none of this was sinking in yet. My DH just sat there quietly - I don't think either one of us really knew what to say or to ask. The last thing the u/s tech said was, "I wish I had better news." What did she mean? I went into the RR to change. We left stoically.

On our way back to the car, I had to stop. I couldn't breathe, I was bawling so heavily and then my phone rang. I knew it was my IF. What would I say? I couldn't say anything. I was hunched over for a few minutes in total shock. I gathered myself together, drove the 25 minutes home and called CFA immediately. Nurse S had just received my news...she talked my through all of it the best she could and then she's the one who called my IF.

The inevitable was about to occur. No more meds, no more baby, no more hope...this was it...the last transfer. I briefly spoke with my IF and we both cried and cried on the phone together. Our hearts were both completely broken.

I knew I would miscarry within the week. I kept having feelings of doubt and denial. This was NOT really happening. Some kind of miracle was going to save this little one - something PLEASE.

As the week went by, I had minimal signs of a miscarriage. Late Tuesday, early Wednesday morning, I had some severe cramping. The next few days produced nothing. By Saturday I was so tired - mentally but still feeling so pregnant. I don't know if one convinces oneself they are pregnant or still pregnant, but I was experiencing breast tenderness, frequent urination, etc. I had so much hope still...it had been 5 days since we were given the news shouldn't something have started?

The next day I took one last pregnancy test after lunch. Of course it was a BFP - only because I hadn't started to miscarry yet. Once the evening approached it became clearer - it was over. My heart literally about gave up; I was still in such denial. Monday came and I stayed home from work expecting "the worse", but it was mild and I was exhausted. I decided I'd stay home one more day from work, knowing the worse part would probably be over by Tuesday night.

The worst part...will be in part 2.

It's so difficult for me to write this - B.M., bless her heart, encouraged me to share. I know other surrogates have gone through the same pain and loss, and I am hoping by writing, it will help someone else heal along with myself.

Surrogates are a special breed of women - we all give so much. All of you have not only given to your IFs, but also to me...and I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart.