Barely Functioning

As a surrogate, my only hope was to make an amazing man become a father. We were on the right track with our 3rd transfer on February 5th. We had great BETA numbers; there was even a thought that maybe two little blasts took.

Monday, March 8th, all of my hopes were smashed. All of my IF's hopes were smashed.

An u/s showed: gestational sac, yolk-sac, small fetal pole, but no heartbeat.
The fetal pole was measuring about a week behind and by now...there definitely should've been a heartbeat, some little flutter.

I don't think anyone can know how they'll feel as a surrogate when this type of anguish is forced upon you. Actually for more then a day, I refused to believe it. I followed the doctor's orders, stopped all meds, but didn't really "accept" what was happening until many emails to two of the best nurses in Connecticut and to one very special nurse, here in Iowa, who has become one of my greatest friends.

After "discussing" options...I chose not to have a D&C and just let my body do what it needs to, so we can move on. After making that heart wrenching decision, God let me know it was the right choice, because God too felt the same way.

By midnight on March 9th, my body was already making changes. Changes that were painful and continue to be painful. Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage knows what I am talking about...no details needed from me.

All I can do now is wait...wait again, this time it's not the TWW (two week window), it is an unknown wait filled with emotions and physical struggles.

My only wish is that I could give my IF a huge hug. I can't imagine how he's feeling; how he's trying to cope. I know he has a support system...but I feel this is a time where he needs more than that. What can I say or do when I am 7 time zones away?

Going to get through each day.