Failed Transfer

Another failed transfer. I don't have much to say - except "disappointed".

October 9th and then some

It's been a week now since we transferred three amazing blasts! These three were so much more developed then the first time around. Everything went fairly smooth - the appointment was quick and easy. Dr. D said my uterus looked great! Let's hope at least one decides to stick around.

After the transfer, I spent almost 36 hours in bed or on the couch in my hotel room. It was very quiet, except for the Spanish speaking housekeepers! They were so loud and laughing! It kinda kept me entertained when they were in my end of the hotel.

I was able to finally finish a book I started back in August before the first transfer. The Time Traveler's Wife -was very good :)

Now, like most of you know, it's just a waiting game. Most of the surrogates call this the 2ww. Technically I only have to wait 10 days! Yay for me! Monday, October 19th, will be the first BETA. I am hoping and praying that I have a BETA number this time. Last time there was nothing, zilch, nada - so if we can get at least a 25 then they'll have me go back in 2-3 days for another BETA.

I still have hope :)

Keep Going

Another week has gone by and I can't believe how the days just seem to get shorter. I know it's September and sun sets so much earlier than even three weeks ago, but honestly it feels like I just finished one transfer journey and now today we're already doing a second one with the transfer in twenty days.

I'm still continuing my Lupron medicine, it has been reduced to 5 cc.s. Then I've added the estrace and aspirin; this regime will continue until October 3rd when I get to start the "fun" shots -PIO!

My IF had spoken a few weeks ago with the doctor about transferring more then 3 blasts and he really wants to do 4 - be more aggressive this time to ensure a baby. Unfortunately, because he didn't speak with me about this I really have felt like my IF has kept something from me. I did call the doctor and we discussed the risks and benefits of implanting 3 as opposed to 4. Right now I am hoping we can just stick to 3 -there is no way I would want to even attempt to carry 4 babies!

I've been under some stress about the second journey. I've tried to relax-by reading some good books, playing outside with my daughter, cleaning, and just breathing. Sometimes in life I've realized that I forget to even take a breadth.

New Cycle

Just to keep everyone updated, not that I have a lot of followers, but for the future too when I look back and say, "Wow...here's this beautiful baby." I'd like a reminder of what it took to get that baby here.

I started my second cycle of medications last Saturday, the 5th of September. Each morning I give myself the injection of Lupron, take my prenatal vitamins and bcp. Today is day 5 and my bcp. Aunt Flo should be visiting in the next few days which may make my first uterine lining check on Tuesday the 15th interesting. Hopefully by then it will almost be over with -yes, gross I know but when you have a vaginal ultrasound during AF it is not pretty nor fun. After the u/s, I will hopefully be able to reduce my Lupron and I'll begin a few other pills. I'll update on that next week.

A few other things have been going on with my journey. My IF has taken control of many things - I think this is his personality, but at the same time it makes me ride the roller coaster of emotions. I am trying to be understanding, forgiving, etc. but at the same time all of my IFs decisions effect me. We finally came to agreement on which airport and hotel I will stay at in October. Also, I will be able to rent a car which is the best. I did not like relying on the hotel shuttle, limo service or a cab when I was out in CT for my medical screening. The doctor told my IF there is no medical reason for me not to be able to drive back to Stamford after the transfer -phew, that was a triumph.

During this transfer though I will have more restrictions. I definitely will be eating hotel food the hotel time! Another reason why I chose the hotel in Stamford-their food rocks! I will be taking the smallest bag I have so it doesn't way much, and it is on wheels. Once I return I'll have to be careful not to pick up Cadie or anything else that weighs more than 15 lbs.

Recently my IF and I spoke on Skype, which for those of you who don't use it, Skype is amazing and it is free! We spoke about how many embryos to transfer and such. My IF said that we'll do three again this time and then keep three frozen just in case it doesn't work.

Well that was the plan until today when the clinic called and said my IF had a consultation with the doctor and my IF wants to go ahead with four! WHAT??? Four embryos -so what happens if they ALL take? What will I go thru? There is no way I am going to agree to this because the negatives definitely outway the positives and my IF doesn't want more then two children (in the beginning my IF only wanted one).

Since the first transfer failed I understand the "why" but everyone involved needs to be taken into consideration, and as I said, this is something I cannot agree to have done.

I am feeling a bit of stress now again because of the above mentioned topic-but overall I am really beginning to relax, I feel like I don't have any "unknowns" going into this transfer which is a HUGE relief.

One of these days...I know we'll have success :) Fluffiness and sticky vibes for the next 6 weeks is all I will be thinking about.

10 dp BFN

Exciting news for the journey - looks like I will start cycling again on September 5th and have a transfer on October 9th, 2009! Yep, just two months after the first transfer. Very exciting! So this means no time off of school, which is good.

Cycling is the fun part -Chris said Thursday night that he feels like he finally has his "wife back". Hmm...the Lupron did make me pretty crazy!!! Thankfully that only lasts for four weeks!! I wonder if my students will notice a change?

My IF did choose a new donor. Apparently she's supposed to be a "super" donor and the clinic started to fertilize this past Thursday. So by Tuesday we'll know how many blasts/embies make it to the freezer and this will tell for sure the timeline for the next journey.

I am praying it takes this second time. I don't think my IF can handle another failed transfer. My IF is so worried already; it would be nice if everything worked out: the egg +the seed+my womb! Maybe I should have daily pep-talks with my uterus - lol!!!

Sadness

It really has started to sink in...the fact that the transfer didn't take the first time and I don't understand why. That's the typical feeling most get when they "want" to be pregnant. I wasn't sure how it would all affect me, since biologically the child we want to create is not mine. Honestly, it is a different feeling but still leaves me sad at the end of the day.

Of course through my agency I have a wonderful support system, where many surrogates post questions and answers to just about everything related to their journeys. It has been very helpful so far, but today...I felt sadness. It was probably brought on after reading about other surrogates who transferred around the same time as me, but they are getting a BFP and a BETA number. To keep my chin up I keep telling myself over and over again that it just wasn't time yet...but it is so hard when the failure is too fresh. Maybe I should stay off the computer this weekend...or week just so I can emotionally recuperate...sigh...

In need of a hug...

Negative

While at lunch today I got the call from CFA that I already "knew" was coming. My blood test this morning confirmed what I had been feeling all week -I am not pregnant. Although I am upset, sad that the journey isn't going onto the next step, I know that I will help my IF become a daddy in the next year. I believe everything happens for a reason, and my IF and I were brought together to create the family he's always wanted.

At this point, the next steps are up in the air. My IF will have a consultation with Dr. D and decide what to do next. Not having any frozen embies from the last retrieval will make it more difficult, I think, but I am not sure.

I will no longer be taking medications. In the next few days, I should see my AF revisit and then we'll all go from there.

Getting Closer to BETA day

7dp3dt
Mild cramping all day -used heating pad at night, my poor tummy

8dp3dt
Mild cramping and heartburn (Maybe it was the small piece of cake I ate?)

9dp3dt
POS this morning and got negative results :(
I hate POS when it isn't POSITIVE.

POSITIVE thoughts for Wednesday's blood draw!!!
Give us some high BETA numbers, please :)

9dp3dt
Continued heartburn and cramping (fell asleep with heating pad again!)

10dp3dt
Couldn't sleep, was up at 3:30 AM
POS - negative :(
Heartburn and am really hungry, wondering if I should eat so early?

Maybe I should just pee on the other two tests I have left?

11dp3dt
BETA test in the AM
Someone from CFA will "text" me the results

Xfingers!!!

The three "blasts"

5dp3dt

Well here I am not being able to concentrate on too much. That's the 2ww!!!
I really would love to POS but I know that it is way to early! In past pregnancies, I typically got a BFP on day 26 after AF, so that would still mean I need to wait until Sunday! As long as I do not go to Target, Wal-Mart, or Walgreens I'll be good to go!

The clinic had some b/d yesterday, so I am sticking to the same medicine regime until August 19th. That's the big day - the first BETA test :)

After reading some other messages on a surrogacy blog, I realized something - maybe those little embies do like my womb because late Sunday and most of Monday while I was in CT/NY, I had cramps...I hope this means they were nestling themselves in for a long nap.

Keep sending those "sticky" vibes my way! EDD: April 29, 2010

Transfer Complete

Today is my last day in New York. I am staying at a hotel closer to the airport to make returning the rental and check-in smoother tomorrow. My flight leaves at 12:40 pm so that will put me back in front of my family by 6 pm midwest time. I really miss them; 5 days is a long time to be away.

Friday:
My flight was changed due to weather-but it was a GOOD change! Can you believe that? I ended up with only one lay over and then arrived earlier into JFK. While I was boarding my first plane, my IP called and said I was going to see him on Saturday during the transfer. WOW! I was not expecting that, but was glad since I do not know if we'll see each other again soon.

I got my bag easily, headed to the Air Tran to get my rental car. I rented from Hertz and let me tell you something when they say like a Hyundai, ask more questions! I ended up in the itty, bitty blue Toyota Yaris! I have NEVER driven something so tiny before in my life, well not since I was riding a Big Wheel!

It actually got great gas mileage and suited me just fine. Of course I ended up in traffic while heading to Stamford, CT where I would rest for the night.

Upon check-in there were all these little "princesses" running around for a Little Miss America Event. I couldn't believe it-I am definitely not a supporter of putting 10 layers of make-up on an 8 year old, then dressing them in sequins and making them prance around.

Saturday:
I got up early to get ready so I could meet the IP before the "big deed". Unfortunately, after taking my normal round of mecications I did not feel well at all. This was the first time all the meds hit me so hard! I was so nauseated that I had to lay down and hug the porcelain god for a bit until it passed. I ate a banana and drank some much needed water (since the meds make me very dry) and felt better in about 20 minutes.

I left my room to head to the parking garage to find out that I left my LIGHTS ON!!! Yep, I've never done this before. I could tell this weekend was in for a lot of firsts! So while I was fretting by my car there weren't too many people in the garage. Then I saw a guy nearing a white truck and asked him, "Do you happen to have jumper cables?" Seriously, I knew this was a long shot, but I had to do something fast! I did not want to call AAA or something. Of course, he said, "Yes." I felt like such a damsel in distress and here is my "knight" so to speak saving my morning!!! A huge thank-you out to him for helping me get to the transfer.

Transfer:
The Doctor got me all situated in a beatiful gown, cap and no-slip socks then he sat and spoke with my IP and I. We talked about the quality of the blasts and all agreed to transfer 3 blasts into my "amazing" uterus (Do all the IVF Dr's say this?").

The actual procedure only lasted 20 minutes then I had to lay flat for another 10 minutes. It was quite what I expected-definitely "more" than the typical annual exam.

We left and I took the IP to the metro in Stamford. It was great to see the IP, but I was ready for some relaxation.

I spent most of the afternoon in the hotel until I got bit by the shopping bug and had to get out! I went to downtown Stamford and had some amazing Greek Pizza and walked around the mall. The rest of the night was back at the hotel.

Sunday-to be continued...

My Last Night Before...

Here I am at home trying to get ready for my 5-day stint in Connecticut/New York. I have so many clothes right now packed you would think I was leaving for 2 weeks. I looked at the weather to see what I should bring, but you know how predictable that is, so of course I have a bit of everything.

Luckily, after searching five stores I found a blow-up headrest at Wal-mart of all places. It was my last resort and only cost a whopping $5.00! Other than that I pretty much had everything I needed for the trip.

I'll finish packing tonight as much as I can, but then in the morning I'll have to toss in all the essentials. I really wish I didn't have to check my bag, but since I'll be taking my needles with me I don't have a choice.

Speaking of needles...ouch! This week has not been fun switching from the tiny needle used for the Lupron injections to the bigger, thicker needles used for the PIO. I still am surprised at how easy it is for me to prepare the needles and medicine, but I really am not good about giving the PIO shot quickly. The liquid is very thick so it takes awhile for it to come out of the syringe into my rump. One of the nurses I am working with has been a surrogate so she suggested warming the syringe in hot water before poking myself. This seems to help.

As for my rump, it is not in good shape and I am only 3 shots in! If we get a BFP, then I'll have to keep shooting my backside for another 7 weeks. By then I don't know if I'll have any "fresh" spots to poke. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that all of this will hopefully result in at least one healthy baby for my IF.

LUPRON PICTURES

LUPRON MEDICATION
My belly with a few bruises :(
Injecting the Lupron into 'fatty' tissue

My Last Few Lupron Shots & Feelings

This is the week I've been waiting for, the week where we transfer 1-2 strong embies and pray for miracles to happen! My emotions about the transfer are on an all-time high right now. I can't get over the fact that here I am, here "we" are, and soon (with Dr.D's help) we'll be creating life for a very deserving man.

Typically, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve nor do I let my emotions get the best of me, but I am so emotionally revved I cannot even fathom any word that could fit my exact emotion right now. I feel loved, bravery, strength, courage, perseverance, and more. I realize although I've been on the "journey" for eight months already, that the next phase is going to be the most exciting and most rewarding. Also, I know my IF and I are a bit anxious for everything to go just perfectly, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking about the 'what-if' it doesn't happen this time, then what. Well we all know-try again!

I wanted to share a picture too of the process for the Lupron shot - just a few pictures. As you know, I've been giving myself shots since late June 2009 and have already poked my stomach at least 35 times! Beginning this week though, I'll be poking myself in the rump with a much larger needle. I am trying not to worry about that because the needle is so much bigger than the Lupron needle. All I can say is, "WOW!" when I look at it through the nice, clear packaging...

The Transfer is Coming!

Well we're about two weeks or less out from our embryo(s) transfer. I can't believe it's already been a month since I met my IF on the east coast and started taking medications. I went to my last ultrasound before the transfer and everything looked great. The medications I've been taking are working like magic!

We're not clear as to what day the transfer will occur because there are so many factors to take into consideration. The ED started medication today to help her produce more eggs and next Friday they'll take a look via ultrasound to determine when the retrieval will occur. Right now it is still a waiting game.

On another note, I am sleeping more but my moods are way UP and then way down. I cannot wait to stop the estrace and Lupron and begin my PIO. Alright, maybe I really can wait (only because the needle is SO much BIGGER), but taking the PIO means I am close to transfer and hopefully to seeing a BFP result a week later (or sooner)!!

Send some "sticky" vibes my way between August 6-13th!

Cycling Update

I've been cycling now with Lupron for more than two weeks. The shots are easy to give, but my tummy is starting to become a little more sensitive. After my ultrasound last week, I was able to reduce how much Lupron to inject, thus giving me a little bit more sleep. That is one thing I do not do well with...lack of sleep! I turned into a grump and tried to sneak a few winks over those first 10 days of the Lupron. Now I am sleeping a bit better but not back 100% yet.

I started another medication too called Estrace to help my womb become ready for the embryo(s). The RE is hoping the womb will become nice and fluffy before the transfer. I am still continuing to take my vitamins too. They don't sit very well with my stomach so I am hoping once we have a BFP (big fat positive) I'll be able to take a different vitamin. Maybe the Flinstone ones would work!?!

My IP and I have continued to email regularly. My IP is getting ready to move to a new place and has been packing a lot. I remember those days! It is nice to finally be "settled" in a house. I think I moved 10 times in 6 years-way too many!

On a side note - I watched BBC's "Addicted to Surrogacy" and couldn't believe some of the stories. My heart always goes out to a mother, father, family who truly want children but for whatever reason cannot have them without assistance. The show talked to one woman who had been a traditional surrogate 7 times! Wow.

At this point I don't think I would be a surrogate more then once, but you never know until you go through something like this what your decision would be. I am just so thankful to help my IP!

I'll be off to the east coast in less than 3 weeks for our 1st transfer!

The Meet & Cycling

My IP and I did meet last week in Connecticut. It was amazing! At first we were both very nervous, but after lunch and dinner together it was clear that our journey together will bring two families together - the one I am helping create and the one I already have.

Our meeting reached so many different levels. We both enjoy many of the same types of foods and my IP's humor helped me get through such a nervous day. We really spent quality time talking about both of our families and our jobs. All in all...just nice to put a "real" person with all the emails and phone calls.

The only thing about going to Connecticut - always RENT a car! Do not rely on a limo service or taxi! It is so easy to get around and if you are independent like me at all...a rental is necessary! I will never go without one again :) The only reason I know this is because I had a "limo" upon arrival and had to use a cab in the evening to get around. Then the next morning when I was supposed to return to Iowa, I ended up with a canceled flight so that's where the rental came in - I was able to drive closer to the coast and just enjoy the little things in life. No waiting!!!

I begin cycling tonight. Now for those of you who do not know what that means let me fill you in - I will begin giving myself one shot a day in the stomach for the next 5 weeks until our transfer. This shot will suppress my ovaries, so I don't ovulate, while preparing for a fresh embryo transfer at the beginning of August. Then, a few days before the transfer I will switch to a different shot and that one will continue until I am 12 weeks pregnant or if we do not get a BFP.

Everything is ready...now we just have to wait for the embies!

4 days and counting

Finally here...well almost, my IP and I are going to meet this Friday night!!! Yahoo! I really didn't think it would happen before our transfer but my IP felt it was just as important and did I, so my IP will fly in from Sweden on Thursday and leave Saturday. (I think my IP will be a bit *exhausted*)

I am also looking forward to closing the contract part of my surro journey. I can't imagine not holding out for the things I feel are important, but at the same time - enough is enough!!! Once all of this is taken care of, I'll be able to focus on my relationship with my IP and this wonderful journey together with my IP and my family.

Here's looking at your uterus! (I'm not a comedian! I know it's not the same.)

Time

Time
Why does it go by so fast, then so slowly? I guess it all depends on what you are doing or what you are waiting for. "Time is on your side" I think that's a quote from somewhere, but I don't remember. Anyway, I've learned that Time is not on your side. Also, the quote, "Why put off tomorrow what you can do today". Hmm....I have MANY reasons why I should put things off: my kids, my husband, my sanity!!! That's why I put things off!

Time is going by a little slow right now on my journey. I am still in the process of negotiating contract terms. As of yesterday, I am much closer to finalizing everything, so that's a relief.

Then, I wait for two more weeks (time) and head to CFA for my medical screening. If all goes well, I'll get a "TIME"line for my injections, cycle, etc.

Time...where can I get more of it? (I don't think it grows on trees!)

Screening and Contracts

Good news! My medical screening is June 19th and my IP will be visiting the U.S. at the same time! So we'll finally get to meet in person and get to know one another a little bit more before the first big transfer. Of course I won't know when the transfer will be until the medical screening is complete but my IP is hoping for an early August transfer. This way it will allow for travel to the midwest where I live and then the IP will be able to meet my entire family including our two wild and crazy dogs -Hershey and Zoey; and then, the cat - Kit-Kat - too!

Also, I was sent the contract to review this week. Since work and life at home has been so busy I have yet to even print it out! I did read through the entire thing once, but am planning to really look at it this weekend and get back to my lawyer on Monday with questions.

Two more baby steps closer to transfer and becoming a gestational surrogate - how exciting!