The Miscarriage - Part 2

It's been four months since I last wrote about my first surrogacy journey. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to write about the "worst" part. Some of you may want to know, some of you are probably glad, but the "worst" part of my journey wasn't what physically happened to me (although that sucked) but the fact that I wasn't able to grow this little embie past 6 weeks and deliver a healthy child for my IF...that is the worst part.

Every surrogates desire is to deliver a healthy child or two for their IF. That is the purpose for even becoming a surrogate. When we fail -whether that's due to poor embie quality, mother nature taking over, or whatever...it tears every surrogate apart. Then, since it's not our "own" child biologically it's hard to grasp all the emotions and move on.

I'd never been through a miscarriage so late in pregnancy like this one and I wish someone would've told me more about the physical aspects of it all. Please if you are reading this, without going into much detail, opt for a medical D&C. Do not try to wait it out and miscarry on your own - it was such a scary day, Tuesday, March 16th.

It took my body a long time to recover from the miscarriage/D&C. I continued to have pregnancy hormones in my body for 5 weeks after everything; that made knowing I'd failed even worse.

My IF and I haven't had much contact since everything fell apart. He's had a very difficult time with the loss also. It is so hard for me to know what to do, say, or if I should just go on with my life. I've tried asking him if he'd like to try one more time since he still has 3 embies left, but I've received no answer.

My surrogacy journey lasted 11 months with my IF. He is a wonderful man, so full of love, so full of hope...I do hope and pray that somehow, someway he'll be a father one day.